How To Master Difficult Situations With Emotional Competence
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Do you know this feeling when you could almost explode like a fully inflated balloon? These moments when you struggle for breath because of your accelerated heart beat. You notice how you begin to sweat as you begin to feel agitated and generally very uncomfortable.
I think you agree that this is a very negative state of mind that we all go through every now and then, especially when we work together with many different people in an organization.
But how do we get into such an emotional state?
It’s quite simple: wounded pride, honor and vanity.
We evaluate the statements of our counterparts as a personal attack and respond like this:
“Do you think I’m too stupid for this !?”
“Do you mean to say that I’m ugly !?”
“Do you think I want to deceive you !?”
It is really interesting to see that most of the responses imply that the other person thinks, wants or means something that hurts us.
Have you ever heard of the iceberg model?
The iceberg model shows quite clearly that we experience our daily reality just to about 30% consciously. 70% of our daily experience is determined by unconscious factors.
Our reasoning and conscious intentions are almost meaningless in comparison to the unconscious messages we receive during a conversation, such as
- body language
- occurrence
- clothes
and especially our interpretation of what has been said based upon our emotions, feelings, opinions, judgments and beliefs.
Exactly these unconscious factors lead us to the conclusion that our counterpart thinks, wants or means something specific.
And exactly that attacks us personally.
Angry people refer very often to the fact that it has not been so decisive WHAT the other one has said in a conflict situation but rather HOW it has been said and what was suspected behind it.
There’s just one big hitch: How do we want to know that? We can not see into the heads of other people.
In this article I want to present you a tool that served me very well in such situations: the principle of emotional competence.
What is emotional competence?
Emotional competence means recognition of opportunities
An emotionally competent person asks for the opportunity that this specific difficult emotional situation offers to him or her personally.
The greatest opportunity lies in the maturity and strength that one is able to gain when resisting the temptation of surrendering to aggression and anger.
Any situation that is mastered with inner distance helps a lot to get better through the next ones that definitely will occur.
You turn a liability into an asset by turning an unpleasant, emotionally difficult situation into a precious moment of self-development.
Emotional competence means cost-benefit balance
Think about how much energy is invested in such a rage attack!
Add the time you need to calm down and you will see that these emotional costs are much higher than the costs for the energy you need for the elegant alternative: just to ignore the supposed vulgarity.
Emotional competence means striving for professionalism
Do you know people who seemingly can’t be upsetted by anyone at all? People who are masters of every situation and who are somehow in harmony with their lives?
Don’t these people appear very professional during their working day? They simply do not behave like the large mass. They outstand from the crowd and present us one of their best qualities: emotional competence. It is exactly this ideal that predestines them for executive positions.
Emotional competence means to construe the meaning
Emotional competence helps to resolve the conflict situation. It should help to distance oneself from the situation and to perceive it consciously.
Emotional competence should help you to avoid reactive and involved reactions.
This new point of view will only succeed in the long term, if you accomplish in recognizing the meaning in it.
Transforming a usually unnecessary and unproductive situation into a valuable experience of personal development makes quite a good meaning I think.
If you can establish such a point of view, you will be perceived as a professional and effective leader.
The key lies in the interpretation of the actual situation. And this is up to you.
Keep in mind:
You can not look into the heads of the people.
Always assume the best. The rest is emotional competence.
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